


I lay in tears in bed all night

by glitter_in_the_gutter



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, POV Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2019-05-08 07:59:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14689836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glitter_in_the_gutter/pseuds/glitter_in_the_gutter
Summary: Alec has to deal with the fact that Magnus gave up his magic for him......





	I lay in tears in bed all night

**Author's Note:**

> English isn't my first language, enjoy anyway!

Slowly Alec was trying to open his eyes. His chest hurt like hell and he tried not to move too quickly. With a sudden rush he remembered the last thing when he was conscious. The Alley. His possessed Parabatai stabbing him with his own arrow. He could basically feel how the arrowhead went slowly to his heart. The pain was unbearable, but he didn't care. Not in this moment. Because he knew that his last words should be the words Jace needed to hear. He didn't care about himself. He needed Jace to understand that this was not his fault. That he would never blame him.

The room was dim and there was a calm and familiar sent in the air. He lifted his head and saw Magnus sitting by his bedside on a more or less comfortable looking chair. His eyes were closed and he was probably sleeping. 

Tears were spilling down his cheeks and he was clenching his fists. Not only the memory from his fight against Jace came back. Magnus gave up his magic.   
He traded it to help Jace. But he knew that wasn't the only reason. He made the deal because of him.  
He gave in to silent sobs and tried to control his breathing.   
Magnus should not have done that. He wasn't worth it. He wasn't even worth less.

"Hey. You're awake." A gentle voice pulled him out of his thoughts.  
Magnus took his hand and caressed it softly.  
"How are you feeling?"  
"Fine... thank you." His voice was just a rough whisper and he had to force himself to look Magnus in the eyes. When he did, there was nothing but mild concern. And deep love.   
Quickly he looked away and focused on the blanket: "Do i smell sandalwood?"  
Magnus smiled and squeezed his hand. "I thought, since you like it so much maybe it would calm you down." He made a pause and Alec could basically hear his thoughts.   
Alec swallowed hard and like in trance, he could only repeat: "Thank you."  
When he felt Magnus hand on his cheek, he bite his lips.  
"Don't cry, angel. Everything is alright. Jace is fine and you will be fine." Magnus hands slowly wandered down to his chest. "You're strong Alexander, and this will heal in no time."  
Alec nodded. He still couldn't really bring himself to look at Magnus. The guilt he felt was just too overwhelming. If they had never met, Magnus would still be the High Warlock of Brooklyn. He would still have his magic. He would be a happier man, that's for sure. And he wouldn't have to deal with a whiney boyfriend.  
"Magnus, i'm...." He took a deep breathe. "...i'm so.. so sorry! You should not have given up your magic. This is a price that is too high." His voice broke and his hands started to tremble.  
"Alec, look at me." Magnus voice was quiet and neutral.   
Slowly the Shadowhunter looked up and their eyes met.  
"I can live without my magic. I can adapt. It will be hard yes but i can do it." Magnus gave him a confirming nod. And then he added a little less serious: "Doing the dishes will be a drag though."  
When Alec didn't reacted, he cupped his face in his hands and said with more emphasis: "But there is no way, that i could ever live without you. You have to understand that if i would do anything for you."  
Alec shook his head in disbelieve and his eyes got teary again. „There has to be a way to reverse this. Anything. Please Magnus, i would do anything.“  
Magnus took his hands: „Alexander. I made this decision, i was very well aware off what i was giving up. There is no way i will back paddle. It will be fine.“  
„I told you once, you never have to pretend how you feel around me. And i can’t stomach the idea that you gave up a huge part of yourself, a part that defines you for me.“  
Alec grimaced in pain, while he tried to get up.  
Magnus gently stopped him and pulled him in for a hug: „Alec, let’s just… be glad that you are okay. Be careful, your wounds are not fully healed.“  
Alec looked him in the eyes, slowly nodded and leaned in for a kiss. But even when the kiss was as wonderful as ever, he didn’t feel anything. The only feelings he had was emptiness and guilt. It didn't felt right. He didn't feel right. Even when Magnus said he was okay, he knew it was a lie. And he would be damned if he couldn’t change a thing abou it.   
„I love you, Magnus.“  
„I love you too.“  
He would find a way. He had to. And if it was the last thing he would do.


End file.
